How the Big Tent Became a Gated Community

Making people feel heard is more powerful than making them feel wrong

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. - Proverb

I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion. -Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

Democrats have a problem with tolerance. Though we call ourselves the party of diversity, we attack Democrats with divergent views. Though we profess to be a big tent, we alienate potential allies and drive them into the GOP’s arms. Though we claim openness, we don’t spend enough time persuading, and if we do try persuasion, we’re incapable of agreeing to disagree. This bullheadedness is especially dangerous because the other half of America’s two-party system has gone completely insane. If we can’t convince a majority of Americans to join our side by accepting them as they are, we soon may find ourselves without much of a system to disagree about. Practicing tolerance of diverging views – that is, practicing pluralism – is not just a moral decision, but a vital political strategy.

There have been multiple occasions when I have thought twice before expressing a political opinion publicly. Whether it’s been a tweet or a video or even just standing up in a room full of people, it’s never been conservatives’ reactions that made me hesitate, but those of people in my own party. It’s paradoxical, but I know I’m not alone in this feeling. I call this “the politics of scolding.”

In fact, Americans in general feel muzzled by our political culture. According to a CATO Institute study from 2020, "strong liberals" were the only ideological group in the country who felt free to express their political views without causing offense. At that time, 52% of liberals felt they had to self-censor, as did 64% of moderates, and 77% of conservatives. Overall, 62% of Americans said they had views they were afraid to share. Fast-forward five years, and this anxiety has manifested itself in high levels of alienation from the Democratic Party, with most Americans believing that it does not share their values.

Despite what should have been a humbling loss in 2024, many on the left are doubling down on the politics of scolding. Amid the recent shakeup at MSNBC, I contested the idea that the personnel changes were due to the hosts’ races. To be clear, I knew exactly what I was getting into: I’ve been doing social media for a long time, and I have a good idea when something will go viral, and a good idea when something will touch off a war in the comments. So when I pointed out that several minority hosts were in effect receiving promotions amid Joy Reid’s firing, I was not surprised to receive many responses like the following (emphasis added):

“Bro, read the room. Awful take, not the time and you're not the person. Your demographic is notorious for being on the wrong side of racism and I'm not just talking about your skin color and gender. The white LGBT+ community is as notorious as white feminism/feminists for using Black movements but then not supporting calling out anti-Black racism. This is definitely not the time and not the correct take. Sit this one out until you get to the right position on the topic. Jesus this was cringe af.”

Now, I promise No Lies Detected will not become a place where I litigate social media flame wars, but I thought this particular response exemplifies the left-half of the political spectrum’s problem with pluralism:¹

• read the room: Multiple replies actually started with this phrase. Its implication, regardless of whether my contrarian take was true or not (I’m sure this person disagreed with me anyway), is that it ran contrary to the prevailing consensus on the issue. In other words, better for me not to have said anything.

• you're not the person… your demographic… The white LGBT+ community is… white feminism/feminists: The reason I shouldn’t have said anything is in turn because I am white and gay, and my identity invalidates my opinion on those topics.

• Sit this one out until you get the right position on the topic: I should remain silent until I arrive at or submit to the orthodox opinion on this topic.

I’ll grant that this was an extreme response: most forms of leftwing intolerance are not this extravagant. However, it manifested three chief pitfalls I think many liberals and progressives fall into when engaging in political discussions: 1) enforcing discipline, 2) deploying prejudice, and 3) shutting down debate.

Such people seldom see the irony in the tactics they use: Making sweeping claims about someone based on who there are is also known as prejudice. Imagine replacing the word ‘white’ above with ‘Black’ in that person’s statements. Or imagine if this person’s addressee were Black. This person would be shunned and cast out of the Democratic Party! Somehow, however, it became acceptable in Democratic circles to talk like this to white people and white men in particular. In the America we as Democrats strive for, shouldn’t it be unacceptable to deploy prejudice against anyone?

These tactics don’t bring that sought-for America closer, because they only serve to alienate voters from the Democratic cause. In these situations, it seldom matters whether the scolder is right, because the scoldee is no more convinced than before and if anything is now hostile to people with similar views.

How did Democrats get here? How did we, as the old storytelling trope goes, become what we hate? I believe we learned the wrong lessons from the Obama years. Between 2008 and 2016, we elected a Black president, we as a country began to recognize the pernicious role of institutional racism, and gay people earned the right to get married. It became easy to believe the good guys had won the culture war, and now it was simply a matter of enforcing the new norms.

It turned out the victory was a false one, and the winning coalition was not as strong as it seemed. As dialogue with opponents gave way to disciplining them, Democrats increasingly acquired the reputation of being joyless scolds. People felt left out by a liberal cultural hegemony that didn’t bother to ask them what they thought. Donald Trump successfully harnessed this resentment (among many others) and claimed the mantle of countercultural hero pushing back against culturally oppressive elites. The rest of course is history.

Democrats are already starting to fall into the trap of becoming the party of the square cultural establishment. Recently I watched the 1995 MTV Video Music Awards, and it struck me how cool it was to be a Democrat. Madonna, Dr. Dre, TLC all embodied progressive causes. By contrast, Republicans – personified by the square, ancient (72 used to be old for a politician) Bob Dole – were the butt of every other joke. Today, it’s decidedly less cool to be a Democrat: Kamala Harris of course barely beat Donald Trump among 18-to-29-year-olds, and some of the most popular podcasts and Twitch streamers among young men are conservative.

To crawl out of this hole, we have to re-learn what we have forgotten in the last decade: the art of persuasion. As a trans rights advocate recently said, “We have to make it OK for someone to change their minds… We cannot vilify them for not being on our side. No one wants to join that team.” Most Americans are fair-minded people who believe everyone should be treated the same regardless of their background. The key is convincing enough of these people that they have a home in the Democratic Party, especially if we don’t completely agree with them.

So if a friend, neighbor, or stranger expresses a view you disagree with – maybe they are uncomfortable with trans women in women’s sports – resist the urge to pounce. Take a breath. Rather than disciplining the other person, marshal your arguments and deliver them without raising your voice or showing your exasperation. Rather than use prejudicial language, make the other person feel heard and not judged. Rather than shut down debate, continue to engage even if you feel frustrated. More likely than not, you won’t change their mind. I promise you though that just as often you’ll find at least some common ground with him or her.

I can speak with some experience on this issue. I come from a working class part of suburban Detroit, and my mom voted for Donald Trump. When we talk about politics it usually feels like we’re speaking two different languages in two different worlds. To our credit, however, we do a good job never letting our debates turn hostile or personal. I can’t say I’ve done much to change her mind yet, but I’m prepared for a long campaign. In the process, she has become one of my libbed-up YouTube channel’s biggest fans. That surely is a sign of progress. Check back in with me in November 2026.

Just like with my mom, this will be a long process for Democrats. But in order to build our vision of a fairer, more inclusive, more benevolent America, we as Democrats need to start by being fair, inclusive, and benevolent with our fellow Americans.

1. To be clear, Republicans have much more glaring tolerance issues than Democrats. The reason this piece is about how Democrats can fix their own issues is because I want Democrats to win elections!